Mysterious secret

I have mysterious secret? That's what my ex said.

I have got to think about it after he said that to me. And I think there is something might lead him to that question about me...

I have been told that I am fat. And I have never got any complement about my look in my life.
Even my own mother has been telling me to lose weight for twenty something years.Yes I have complex about my looks.

I was actually really fat when I was in Japan. I was like really big, like 200lbs maybe?I lost some weight since I came here. Because less stress here actually. Anyways, so I always hesitate to show my skin so much and be in bikini is almost heart attack for me.

I think I am still fat. and I know I should loose some.
Well, I always have been scared to show myself to my partner. I have never been "sexy" or "Pretty" kind. I wish I was. But unfortunately, I am not. So I should accept it. I think this is just an Asian culture, they are always, ALWAYS talking about looks too much.

I am sick of hearing it, be compared with Asian girls, and be told that I am fat.
I think that is the one thing I've been scared for a long time and I've hurt so deeply when I was little , and I don't think I am still recovering from having confident about myself.

I think I was denied who I was when I was little, I am kind of lacking my self confident.

I hope this will help him to understand me better.