learn about myself

I am surprised that I still get surprised by myself. I need to learn myself more.

There is so many people out there and I am surrounded by so many people. But how come I feel like I am alone. lowest point, Akiko! I've gotta stop this.
But I just miss my friends... I haven't met many cool people here yet. I should say, yet.
It's been about 2.5 years since I am back here. I think Tokyo is too big for me. I finally can say it. I gave myself a little time to see how it goes. After these years,I can finally say Tokyo is kind of boring and it is for working not for living. I have to do something about this....

but what.....

Then back in Japan

What! It's been like a month since I updated my blog last time. I skipped entire thing in SF this time. After day 3, I got panicked. All the sudden, I was not sure if I understand English correctly or not. Then, I got so scared to speak it too. I don't know what happened to me. I lost my confidence about my language skill. I've never doubt it before. Of course, I had hard time, time to time. But not like this. I am still coping from it. I feel like I am nothing and I am not understood correctly here in Japan. Of course, they speak Japanese or English, I just don't get it.. often times.... Maybe it is not just language problem. I just need good friends around me,here. I am having problem making new friends in here. And now I really feel I am really far away from my friends in SF. I finally got it.. There is phone, FB, Blog, twitter, e-mail, so many thing that I can connect to my friends these days, but time differences and distance are really getting in between.... I miss my friends....

DAY 3

It's been 3days already since I am back here. The last time I was here was January 2010.
It is almost one year ago. Feels like so long time ago. I do not know why.

This time is so different for me. Actually, I feel different about U.S.....Wired. I am still confused and try to see what is so different, but then, I get panicked because I cannot figured out or do not want to figured out?I try not to think about it too much as much as I can. I guess I haven't been in the city long enough yet or, maybe the weather, or I do not know.

I'll see.

I am stuck

I should just apologize to everyone that I am not being very nice. I am just dominated by sadness. I don't know what happen to me and why I am being like this.

I should not let the emotion manipulate me. It is not okay to be an asshole when the things are tough on me. I know that well and then how come I cannot control this??
What's wrong with me.... I feel like I cannot hold things together.

Finally, the temperature went down and we got nice breeze in the city.
maybe I should go for a walk.

I am stucked

I just don't like anything and myself!

Materialism

It is just a vinyl bags, leather shoes, fine fabrics with someone's name on.

I just wondered what this means.

Does this mean how wonderful person you are?
Does this mean how kind person you are?
Does this mean who you are?
Does this mean ......

Or

it's just a status of how much money you make?

A Happy New Year 2010

Yay, 2010!!
I got a cold and stayed in bed most of time. Man!
I went to Meiji jingu on NYE. It was kind of nice, but really cold. I guess that made my cold worse.I knew it! But I couldn't help it.

I was thinking about year of 2009. I need to slow it down in 2010. I kind of forgot to pace myself. I was acting like somebody else and didn't like myself much.
I hope I can be more like myself this year.

People come and go and pass me by and I didn't even notice. Feel like I am left out.
It just because of this weather makes me think in this way or is this true?

I know

I know this sounds like I am a little kid but
I just miss everyone so much.
I don't feel like anyone understands me in here.

Everyday

Everyday is the same, exactly the same, nothing changes.
Work, Home, Workout, Laundry and Monday again.
The same week, and the same Sunday night.
I am sick of the same.
I want to find something different. The different. different from what?

Everyone looks so happy, and these happy people pass by me. It's just another day I guess.
I just wondered why I am not so happy??

Arrested?!!

No I wasn't. But I was at Poilice about a half and hour.I received the bike from my co-worker, which was stolen bike. I didin't know, He didn't know.

It was just bad luck. I didn't turn on the light and was riding bike. Out of nowhere, the police came out and he told me to turn it on, then turned out he found this was stilen bike!

It was not my fault but I just felt that I was a criminal. It was not a good feeling.
I also felt bad about my co-worker. He needs to go to police tomorrow.

There are so many crimes and the things to be watched but not my bike.
For this case, I saw 8 people are dealing with me. Are they just bored or something?
Isn't there many things to do??

Anyway, finally I am home and need drink!

Man, I love projetcs!

Yeah I just realize what I like about what I do. I love projects. that makes me really excited. I love to plan and do it!!I love to organize things but my room. Well actually my room is kind of sorted followed by certain rules. Although only I know the rule, therefore it looks like messy. But it is actually not.Weird.

Some ideas crossed my mind today, and now I am really excited about it.I am not sure how that turns out, we will see... stay tuned.

I guess I need to work on a couple of my problems/habits.I really need to learn how to relax.I woke up with so much shoulders pain. It is so intense even I get massage every week.
How can I relax...in Metropolitan city.......
But country side makes me freak out.Weird,weird, weired.

Wow it's already September

It's been almost 9months since I am back here in Japan.
This was fast. And weird thing is I still feel like I just came back from US.

Trying to see where I belong. Do not know yet. Am I the person who cannot solve the problem??
I cannot figure out what is wrong and why I feel this way. I am very frustrated by myself.Whatever I do or say is always taken wrong.
I don't know what to do. I am so lost.

I guess this is the time for me to get tougher?

Labels

Labeled people?

Scary

Sadness

When I feel uncomfortable in my country, I am extremely sad.

no title

when did this start??
I just cannot remember. It is just ... I don't know, I cannot even explain, or do I need to explain it?

non-sense questions.. why?
Often times, I forget to breath.
What is going on.

It's just another day

It has been so weird. I am kind of depressed. I don't know the reason.

I am tired to be expected to be happy all the time. I am human and I get sad, angry or happy.
Maybe I am too sensitive or something. I have no idea.

I am just so exhausted.

Missing

Missing someone,or something. This is not so great feeling.
A little bit sad and sentimental.

I am not complaining what I've got.

I am just missing....

They are here!!

My friends are here in Tokyo. I am trying to spend time with them as much as possible.
Everyday, I feel like I am in SF, somehow. Right now I have something to look forward.
It is nice feeling. I just cannot wait to see them every day.

It is really great feeling to be with someone that I can feel comfortable. I have been in Tokyo for almost 8 months. I haven't had this really secured and comfortable moment in here. I am always looking for something or somebody. And everything is somewhat new to me. I am always not sure that I understood right or not, even that was in Japanese.

For last couple days, I feel really comfortable.
I hope I can keep being like this for long time.

Oh I am so lucky!

Because.....
I was not wearing leather shoes!!

It is pouring rain and forgot my umbrella at office. I just wanted to walk without having anything.

Unhappy person

How the hell did this happen??

All the sudden I am unhappy person! I guess I am very grumpy, cynical, not funny AT ALL.
I have been trying to admit it but now I really have to say I am not happy because I cannot take it any more. I don't want to be in anger all the time and not smiling to anyone.

ha....
Well what can I do ? Let me think...... Museum? Drawing? Designing? Another pretty fabrics? not sure. Great food? great music?
Music... that might work.Good bossa nova music and good friends? yeah that sounds good. Another research huh.

There is no time to take rest for me any more. Everything is so fast and I barely can keep it up. I feel like I am missing something out .

I miss everyone now.

You are pathetic

Yes, I am just talking about me. I was staying in the house all day for past days. What am I doing??

I was more fun before..wasn't I?Oh well.

There are many things in my head and going round and round and keep staying in it.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

WTF!!

I have been receiving Sprint Invoice.... Why?
Didn't I gave you almost $800 last time, and why are you still invoicing it to me???
I don't even have a number nor service in here and I have no idea how it became $442??

These are the things that makes me mad. Why do I need to get another headache that I don't even need to????

Man!

time flies

Wow, it's already early summer?? It's been warm in here. I think Cherry blossoms are all gone now but weather is really nice and feel like I am having good day which is totally opposite.

It is sad that I haven't been feeling well. I am all stressed out....again! I guess I should just stop thinking or guessing stuff. Again, I started feeling difficult dealing with Japanese people.
Or maybe people around me?? Actually I am not with people usually, so now I have no idea what I am talking about. :(

It is just so hard.... and weirdly I still feel like I am in the foreign country.
I was so focused on networking. I guess that should have waited until I really get comfortable being here. But I did..

Anyway, I shoulld just slow things down and take it easy now.

These days

Time passes so fast. What's is going on!!
So many things to think, do, meet, listen, read, and so on.
I have no idea how I fell into this little weird life.

I have been going out, staying in, eating, drinking. Oh well, I should have described it as "having fun". Finally my life starts getting normal.
Now I can speak fluent Japanese, and not much English.

Right now I just do what I can do and just do it best. Right.

Finally I can be positive again. It took me like what.....?? 4 months?
Life is fun huh?

Tokyo

a coffee break

Tokyo Architecture.

I was hanging out with a good friend of mine. She is admirerable lady. She is realy energetic, fun and wonderful person. She introduced her friend to me as usual. She is real social person. Because of her, I always find something new to my life.

Her friends are always good people. We had drinks in Aoyama , walked toward Shibuya. I just found this interesting building. There are so many interesting bldgs in Tokyo, everywhere. I have been getting really good at using my Phone camera thing.

I have been trying to do a lot of things at the same time, now I think I need a break. I have no energy to move forward. And I am scared as hell if I stayed like this for a long time.....

I think I should stop thinking....

Get off my face

I am not mad. Just.....

Please! Please get off my face....

Phew

Wow, I haven't been writing for what? 2 weeks ?
Time passes so fast now. it is like today is Monday and tomorrow is Friday and Monday comes back again. It is weird.

My work is busy, somehow. Maybe because I work slower or some other reasons. I have been drinking , yes... Maybe too much, huh?

I am trying to make NEW friends in Tokyo, but I haven't achieve anything yet in that department. Hehe.

My birthday is my First payday. Yahoo!!

But I just wondered if I get pay check this time though since I started from this month.
not sure, I'd better check with GA person.

Any way, my fir birthday in Japan for a long time huh?
It is exciting. But actually I didn't have any plans,but work. Then I whined.well I am such a big baby. :)

Thank YOU for birthday card. That was really sweet. I enjoyed your Valentine's day gift.Thank you!!

New Phase starts!!

Phew.I just kind of finished moving in the new place. there are a couple boxes on the floor but yeah, I love it!! I love my place. So I don't need to miss my SF room. well I miss the street though. :(

Tomorrow will be my first day at work. I am so nervous.

Sign

Low.....Lowest.....