Dama's Diary

learn about myself

2011-06-05T04:38:00.000-07:00

I am surprised that I still get surprised by myself. I need to learn myself more.

There is so many people out there and I am surrounded by so many people. But how come I feel like I am alone. lowest point, Akiko! I've gotta stop this.
But I just miss my friends... I haven't met many cool people here yet. I should say, yet.
It's been about 2.5 years since I am back here. I think Tokyo is too big for me. I finally can say it. I gave myself a little time to see how it goes. After these years,I can finally say Tokyo is kind of boring and it is for working not for living. I have to do something about this....

but what.....

Then back in Japan

2011-03-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

What! It's been like a month since I updated my blog last time. I skipped entire thing in SF this time. After day 3, I got panicked. All the sudden, I was not sure if I understand English correctly or not. Then, I got so scared to speak it too. I don't know what happened to me. I lost my confidence about my language skill. I've never doubt it before. Of course, I had hard time, time to time. But not like this. I am still coping from it. I feel like I am nothing and I am not understood correctly here in Japan. Of course, they speak Japanese or English, I just don't get it.. often times.... Maybe it is not just language problem. I just need good friends around me,here. I am having problem making new friends in here. And now I really feel I am really far away from my friends in SF. I finally got it.. There is phone, FB, Blog, twitter, e-mail, so many thing that I can connect to my friends these days, but time differences and distance are really getting in between.... I miss my friends....

DAY 3

2011-02-20T03:54:00.000-08:00

It's been 3days already since I am back here. The last time I was here was January 2010.
It is almost one year ago. Feels like so long time ago. I do not know why.

This time is so different for me. Actually, I feel different about U.S.....Wired. I am still confused and try to see what is so different, but then, I get panicked because I cannot figured out or do not want to figured out?I try not to think about it too much as much as I can. I guess I haven't been in the city long enough yet or, maybe the weather, or I do not know.

I'll see.

I am stuck

2010-09-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

I should just apologize to everyone that I am not being very nice. I am just dominated by sadness. I don't know what happen to me and why I am being like this.

I should not let the emotion manipulate me. It is not okay to be an asshole when the things are tough on me. I know that well and then how come I cannot control this??
What's wrong with me.... I feel like I cannot hold things together.

Finally, the temperature went down and we got nice breeze in the city.
maybe I should go for a walk.

I am stucked

2010-08-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

I just don't like anything and myself!

Materialism

2010-06-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

It is just a vinyl bags, leather shoes, fine fabrics with someone's name on.

I just wondered what this means.

Does this mean how wonderful person you are?
Does this mean how kind person you are?
Does this mean who you are?
Does this mean ......

Or

it's just a status of how much money you make?

A Happy New Year 2010

2010-01-04T04:02:00.000-08:00

Yay, 2010!!
I got a cold and stayed in bed most of time. Man!
I went to Meiji jingu on NYE. It was kind of nice, but really cold. I guess that made my cold worse.I knew it! But I couldn't help it.

I was thinking about year of 2009. I need to slow it down in 2010. I kind of forgot to pace myself. I was acting like somebody else and didn't like myself much.
I hope I can be more like myself this year.

People come and go and pass me by and I didn't even notice. Feel like I am left out.
It just because of this weather makes me think in this way or is this true?

I know

2009-10-26T17:51:00.001-07:00

I know this sounds like I am a little kid but
I just miss everyone so much.
I don't feel like anyone understands me in here.

Everyday

2009-10-22T02:49:00.000-07:00

Everyday is the same, exactly the same, nothing changes.
Work, Home, Workout, Laundry and Monday again.
The same week, and the same Sunday night.
I am sick of the same.
I want to find something different. The different. different from what?

Everyone looks so happy, and these happy people pass by me. It's just another day I guess.
I just wondered why I am not so happy??

Arrested?!!

2009-09-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

No I wasn't. But I was at Poilice about a half and hour.I received the bike from my co-worker, which was stolen bike. I didin't know, He didn't know.

It was just bad luck. I didn't turn on the light and was riding bike. Out of nowhere, the police came out and he told me to turn it on, then turned out he found this was stilen bike!

It was not my fault but I just felt that I was a criminal. It was not a good feeling.
I also felt bad about my co-worker. He needs to go to police tomorrow.

There are so many crimes and the things to be watched but not my bike.
For this case, I saw 8 people are dealing with me. Are they just bored or something?
Isn't there many things to do??

Anyway, finally I am home and need drink!

Man, I love projetcs!

2009-09-13T20:10:00.001-07:00

Yeah I just realize what I like about what I do. I love projects. that makes me really excited. I love to plan and do it!!I love to organize things but my room. Well actually my room is kind of sorted followed by certain rules. Although only I know the rule, therefore it looks like messy. But it is actually not.Weird.

Some ideas crossed my mind today, and now I am really excited about it.I am not sure how that turns out, we will see... stay tuned.

I guess I need to work on a couple of my problems/habits.I really need to learn how to relax.I woke up with so much shoulders pain. It is so intense even I get massage every week.
How can I relax...in Metropolitan city.......
But country side makes me freak out.Weird,weird, weired.

Wow it's already September

2009-09-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 9months since I am back here in Japan.
This was fast. And weird thing is I still feel like I just came back from US.

Trying to see where I belong. Do not know yet. Am I the person who cannot solve the problem??
I cannot figure out what is wrong and why I feel this way. I am very frustrated by myself.Whatever I do or say is always taken wrong.
I don't know what to do. I am so lost.

I guess this is the time for me to get tougher?

Labels

2009-08-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

Labeled people?

Scary

Sadness

2009-08-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

When I feel uncomfortable in my country, I am extremely sad.

no title

2009-08-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

when did this start??
I just cannot remember. It is just ... I don't know, I cannot even explain, or do I need to explain it?

non-sense questions.. why?
Often times, I forget to breath.
What is going on.

It's just another day

2009-07-21T17:20:00.001-07:00

It has been so weird. I am kind of depressed. I don't know the reason.

I am tired to be expected to be happy all the time. I am human and I get sad, angry or happy.
Maybe I am too sensitive or something. I have no idea.

I am just so exhausted.

Missing

2009-07-14T17:11:00.001-07:00

Missing someone,or something. This is not so great feeling.
A little bit sad and sentimental.

I am not complaining what I've got.

I am just missing....

They are here!!

2009-07-06T00:53:00.000-07:00

My friends are here in Tokyo. I am trying to spend time with them as much as possible.
Everyday, I feel like I am in SF, somehow. Right now I have something to look forward.
It is nice feeling. I just cannot wait to see them every day.

It is really great feeling to be with someone that I can feel comfortable. I have been in Tokyo for almost 8 months. I haven't had this really secured and comfortable moment in here. I am always looking for something or somebody. And everything is somewhat new to me. I am always not sure that I understood right or not, even that was in Japanese.

For last couple days, I feel really comfortable.
I hope I can keep being like this for long time.

Oh I am so lucky!

2009-06-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

Because.....
I was not wearing leather shoes!!

It is pouring rain and forgot my umbrella at office. I just wanted to walk without having anything.

Unhappy person

2009-06-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

How the hell did this happen??

All the sudden I am unhappy person! I guess I am very grumpy, cynical, not funny AT ALL.
I have been trying to admit it but now I really have to say I am not happy because I cannot take it any more. I don't want to be in anger all the time and not smiling to anyone.

ha....
Well what can I do ? Let me think...... Museum? Drawing? Designing? Another pretty fabrics? not sure. Great food? great music?
Music... that might work.Good bossa nova music and good friends? yeah that sounds good. Another research huh.

There is no time to take rest for me any more. Everything is so fast and I barely can keep it up. I feel like I am missing something out .

I miss everyone now.

You are pathetic

2009-05-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am just talking about me. I was staying in the house all day for past days. What am I doing??

I was more fun before..wasn't I?Oh well.

There are many things in my head and going round and round and keep staying in it.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

WTF!!

2009-04-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

I have been receiving Sprint Invoice.... Why?
Didn't I gave you almost $800 last time, and why are you still invoicing it to me???
I don't even have a number nor service in here and I have no idea how it became $442??

These are the things that makes me mad. Why do I need to get another headache that I don't even need to????

Man!

time flies

2009-04-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's already early summer?? It's been warm in here. I think Cherry blossoms are all gone now but weather is really nice and feel like I am having good day which is totally opposite.

It is sad that I haven't been feeling well. I am all stressed out....again! I guess I should just stop thinking or guessing stuff. Again, I started feeling difficult dealing with Japanese people.
Or maybe people around me?? Actually I am not with people usually, so now I have no idea what I am talking about. :(

It is just so hard.... and weirdly I still feel like I am in the foreign country.
I was so focused on networking. I guess that should have waited until I really get comfortable being here. But I did..

Anyway, I shoulld just slow things down and take it easy now.

These days

2009-03-31T20:55:00.000-07:00

Time passes so fast. What's is going on!!
So many things to think, do, meet, listen, read, and so on.
I have no idea how I fell into this little weird life.

I have been going out, staying in, eating, drinking. Oh well, I should have described it as "having fun". Finally my life starts getting normal.
Now I can speak fluent Japanese, and not much English.

Right now I just do what I can do and just do it best. Right.

Finally I can be positive again. It took me like what.....?? 4 months?
Life is fun huh?

Tokyo

2009-03-27T06:22:00.000-07:00

a coffee break

2009-03-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

Tokyo Architecture.

I was hanging out with a good friend of mine. She is admirerable lady. She is realy energetic, fun and wonderful person. She introduced her friend to me as usual. She is real social person. Because of her, I always find something new to my life.

Her friends are always good people. We had drinks in Aoyama , walked toward Shibuya. I just found this interesting building. There are so many interesting bldgs in Tokyo, everywhere. I have been getting really good at using my Phone camera thing.

I have been trying to do a lot of things at the same time, now I think I need a break. I have no energy to move forward. And I am scared as hell if I stayed like this for a long time.....

I think I should stop thinking....

Get off my face

2009-03-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

I am not mad. Just.....

Please! Please get off my face....

Phew

2009-02-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't been writing for what? 2 weeks ?
Time passes so fast now. it is like today is Monday and tomorrow is Friday and Monday comes back again. It is weird.

My work is busy, somehow. Maybe because I work slower or some other reasons. I have been drinking , yes... Maybe too much, huh?

I am trying to make NEW friends in Tokyo, but I haven't achieve anything yet in that department. Hehe.

My birthday is my First payday. Yahoo!!

But I just wondered if I get pay check this time though since I started from this month.
not sure, I'd better check with GA person.

Any way, my fir birthday in Japan for a long time huh?
It is exciting. But actually I didn't have any plans,but work. Then I whined.well I am such a big baby. :)

Thank YOU for birthday card. That was really sweet. I enjoyed your Valentine's day gift.Thank you!!

New Phase starts!!

2009-02-01T03:52:00.000-08:00

Phew.I just kind of finished moving in the new place. there are a couple boxes on the floor but yeah, I love it!! I love my place. So I don't need to miss my SF room. well I miss the street though. :(

Tomorrow will be my first day at work. I am so nervous.

Sign

2009-01-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

Low.....Lowest.....

Explore

2009-01-11T07:18:00.000-08:00

Everyday I find something new about myself these days. Maybe because I moved to new place(Japan)? Or I just have too much alone time with myself?
I didn't know that I can get really weak like this until now. When I was in U.S, I felt like I can do anything with no fear. But now I feel hopeless. I am like a scared cat. Cannot believe this, can you? Since I got an job ( it starts from Feb. Yay!!), now I have to find the apartment,oh men, I am broke. I have to live in a small cube plus, that costs like San Francisco's rent. I won't make much money for a while. well i have to be patient.

Yes, it is okay. It is just a beginning. Everyone needs to start from somewhere... Right? I am pretty much new in this country, work experience wise, so.. I cannot expect a lot but....

I guess I should have a second job.Otherwise it is impossible to live( like you enjoy it) in Tokyo.

I have been exploring Tokyo a little by little, everyday, well so far... this city has cold feeling in it. I don't know what it is, but I was talking to my friend last night, he agreed. He was born and raised in Tokyo but even he sometimes feel the same as I feel right now.
It is really stressful city. People are always running from train to train, no one is smiling besides at work, I haven't met anybody who really talks or who likes to talk. Weird. Somehow people are always in hurry. I just wonder why...

Oh my ... I feel bad because it looks like that I am just whining. hmmm....

Ha... sigh

Again, I just miss my San Francisco...

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2009-01-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

Cold! Cold! Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......

born and raised in South, lived in SF for 6 years. I cannot stand this weather. It is fr*cking COLD!!!!!

I hate Cold. and I hate darkness, horror movies&stories...

Tokyo is actually a big city. Looks like it is really tiny bit city, but oh no... It is not like San Francisco.

I am just feeling a little bit down with this big city environment....

Tokyo!!

2009-01-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

Yup. I moved to Tokyo. It is really cold here. It was raining today. Miserable.!
I lost my pass for the transportation, I got lost, I stained my sister's white carpet....

Ha....

Sigh....

Seems like I should find the place ASAP. My sister said that I can stay but she mentioned to find the place soon. I just stayed here one night......

Well life is tough right? She is going to be away for 3days , I guess I just have to explore a little bit without rain.

Tokyo is really crowded.

A Happy New Year!

2009-01-03T07:40:00.001-08:00

It's 2009 in Tokyo, Baby!

Interesting spot

2008-12-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

I am still in Kumamoto. Everyday is the same actually. Check my e-mail, look for a job, take a shower , make my lunch, clean up dishes and laundry, YouTube, dinner check e-mails...

boring, boring, boring. I went swimming yesterday, I went for a walk today, I need to do something. My brain is going to be rotten.This is how I feel. While I was in US, I'd never missed anything about Japan, so nothing has been surprise or nostalgic.Oh no, I am not complaining. well... maybe a little bit. But it is just not good feeling that I am staying my parents house and do nothing ( especially not making money), and seems like I am not doing anything.

I hate myself a little bit now. I guess I am getting weak just for now. I just cannot be myself in here, in Kumamoto. People are nice but everything is really hard , just to live in here. And I miss speaking English so much. It is weird feeling that I am not speaking it at all. 100 % Japanese environment.so tiring. my brain hurts.

I lived in US for a while , I became a little bit insensitive. According to my mom. And I don't know what to do with it, because I cannot figure out what makes people think I am insensitive. To me, people are very insensitive. They are always talking about how I look. I guess I have to loose like 50 lbs and have to be whiter, talk quietly, do not laugh out loud..etc...people in here told me that I am fat and rude. Jeez.

I guess I should disappear, if I am rude and fat. Oh well.... Have to figure out how I can adjust myself in here....

sigh sigh sigh

Japon!

2008-12-19T17:19:00.001-08:00

It has been ...what?　two weeks? It feels like a year already!! I am hoping that my "job hunting" situation gets better. So my life gets a bit faster. It is so slow and have nothing to do and all my friends are busy. I finally started to feel that I lived in foreign country for a long time.
People's life style, taste, sense and so on have changed, maybe I just feel that way.
Or I just miss San Francisco too much? I just missed that holiday season's feeling. Christmas songs , and people walking with a lot of shopping bags, winter coats, smell of crisp winter air, and Eggnog!!

Oh well, I just have to take my time to adjust myself.
Till then I will stop whining.

Mexico 2008

2008-12-05T04:47:00.000-08:00

Phew.. It was really fast. I flew over to Mexico right after Thanksgiving Day, and my vacation is already over.

Time flies.....
I've got only one day in San Francisco. My "Life in Foreign country" phase is almost over.

I know I know there is the new phase of my life and there will be sp many things that I will see and do. At the same time.....It is sad to see it is ending. I already miss it.

I know I will be fine and I must be fine, it is just ....I am scared. I have done so many things and accomplished. But recently I don't feel like I have guts to do something new, like I was 23 year old.

I guess this is the process of becoming “Grown-up". The value of things is different than before, and not sure I am on the line that I want to be on.

Just need a little time to clear my head.

DaRK

2008-11-25T00:51:00.000-08:00

This has been dark huh? I just read my last blog and I think it was really depressing.

Oh well. I guess I have to built my self confident a little by little.

Mysterious secret

2008-11-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

I have mysterious secret? That's what my ex said.

I have got to think about it after he said that to me. And I think there is something might lead him to that question about me...

I have been told that I am fat. And I have never got any complement about my look in my life.
Even my own mother has been telling me to lose weight for twenty something years.Yes I have complex about my looks.

I was actually really fat when I was in Japan. I was like really big, like 200lbs maybe?I lost some weight since I came here. Because less stress here actually. Anyways, so I always hesitate to show my skin so much and be in bikini is almost heart attack for me.

I think I am still fat. and I know I should loose some.
Well, I always have been scared to show myself to my partner. I have never been "sexy" or "Pretty" kind. I wish I was. But unfortunately, I am not. So I should accept it. I think this is just an Asian culture, they are always, ALWAYS talking about looks too much.

I am sick of hearing it, be compared with Asian girls, and be told that I am fat.
I think that is the one thing I've been scared for a long time and I've hurt so deeply when I was little , and I don't think I am still recovering from having confident about myself.

I think I was denied who I was when I was little, I am kind of lacking my self confident.

I hope this will help him to understand me better.

Protest!

2008-11-20T09:01:00.001-08:00

I was talking to my friend last night. And he says, I am the fake who is looking for somebody, pretending like I am looking for language exchange partner, but actually I am just looking for guys?

Hell no.

I couldn't explain it when he told me that but I think I can now.

I've never said, I need Tutor. I've never asked for teaching me grammatical lessons. I just need Conversation Partner. The person who talks to me? That is what I need.

Learning Languages has various way. Everyone has different way to get languages into you.For me, it is enormous time of speaking and watching movies, and listening music . Not reading grammar books. Don't get me wrong, I studied books. And after certain period, all I need is just practice. Speaking,

This morning , I woke up with anger. Because I thought "NO! That is not right. I was/am not saying that I need language exchange partner to look for guys."

I mean, I meet people any ways.Without even thinking.

OH well, I just want him to know that was my intention.

Parties

2008-11-15T18:19:00.000-08:00

Yes. I am having fun. and I think this is almost like 4 or 5 years ago. Go out, get drunk, eat diner food , come home and hang over.

It is so fun to do this with friends that I am really comfortable with. Last night was so funny. I just like the fact that my friend and I were so ridiculous having diner food with total strangers.

So many things to think but I just want to have fun for now. I think I deserve this after everything that happened in here. I just think about people that I met, people I dealt with, people I miss, crazy things that I did with my friends, projects, work, etc...

It is ending for sure but I kept meeting new people now. What is going on!!

But so far, I am depressed and happy at the same time and it is just so crazy.

I am up for anything

2008-11-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

I think you already know, I am up for fun. And sometimes I forgot that I am human being. And I only have 24hours a day.

I wish I have more time.

and Tango makes three

2008-11-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

Do you know this book?

It is true story. It is about 2 male penguins formed as a couple for 6 years. And they were given one egg from other couple, but they raised great chick, female Penguin.

But it has been controversial. Because it is Children's book and talk about same-sex couple.

From my point of view, I can understand both side. It hasn't been traditional to accept same-sex couple. But you know look around you, how many mixed-sex couple got divorced? I guess it doesn't matter?

This is totally different topic but, I applied for some Tech company. And their vision of future was communication with digital. Video call, digital paper, robot doctors, it was almost like the movie"Wall-E". I thought it would be cool we can contact with anybody in the world and real time, and real image. At the beginning, it seems like more communication with people but actually it is less contact with real human beings?

Then I feel we just have to think a little differently. Because we have been adding more and more things on traditional things. Therefore our lives are getting more comfortable and convenient. To obtain these convenience, we should have more open mind? It is just a thought, though.

Brown water

2008-11-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

I usually use color gray for unclear or uncertain things.

I guess everyoe goes through this phase,but man, it is hard.
And I am alone in this.

It is not only seeking jobs but everything. and Nothing.

Does anyone wanna join me in Mexico?

2008-10-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am going to Mexico from Nov 28th- Dec 5th. If you wanna join me somewhere in Mexico, please e-mail me. I will meet you!

Cheers

Once I said it...

2008-10-28T00:41:00.001-07:00

I guess I just have been hoping..
I thought if I didn't say it, I wouldn't mean it. I thought I can somehow fix it.
But no.... time just passes you by and you are just bystander.

Everything has got blur and painless.
Maybe because it is too painful, so it's numb.

Things which don't matter are taken really seriously.And THE thing is almost disappearing.
And , everyone forgot already. and it got old and dusty.

Do you remember?

2 pairs of Manolo Shoes

2008-10-26T21:03:00.001-07:00

Yes I spent $900 for nothing! I could have been able to wear 2 new Manolo Shoes!!
But I have been failing this Stupid little Exam!

Every time I failed, I just re-acknowledge myself how stupid I am and can't understand English.
You know, I always forget that English is not my first language. Because I am so comfortable speaking English, somehow. There is always another way to explain things and different expression.

Therefore I expect too much on myself. All my friends took this exam and passed it on first try but me. And I failed TWICE. WTH!

But then, one of my good friends asked me" how many Japanese friends passed the exam on first try?" well..nobody that I know of.
But I am pretty much sure there are a bucnh of Japanese people passed this exam on first try.

It is so hard to accept how much I cannot do things like other people can.
Then I just fell into dark place now. Help!!

No motivation

2008-10-25T19:22:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I want something that is way out of my league.
But I HATE not to try. But this may cause huge disappointment.

How come I cannot stop hoping ?

" This time, it will be different"
Sometimes, it hurts big time. and put me to dark place.

I hope it was o-kay

2008-10-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

I, um... changed the template. I kinda stat feeling my template doesn't reflect me any more. Maybe because I am older, or got more experience, or got scared?
I don't know what it is. But I hope it was okay to change it.

I still love my previous one. Since that was a gift from my sweet friend.

Is life simple?

2008-10-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

No, I don't think so. We hope life is simple.

If it was like um.., you born, you die. then, maybe, it could be simple. But No.

Materialism, people, environment, there are so many things we want to keep.

How can our lives be simple?

Since we were born, we've already got something you really don't want to lose. Family.

You already got something that you really afraid to lose, and time to time , there are more people, more things, more memories ... etc.... Of course our lives are not simple.

But you can make things comfortable around you though. Because life is already as it is, so then why don't you move around and adjust a little, and make things easy for you, or easier for you.

Thinking about others, sometimes, mess my mind up. Because I was trying to be nice to them, then I wasn't happy, because of that. Can I just focus on me? Is it selfish? But one who are already not related to me much, why would I even make my decision depend on them?

Oh, but I do, any ways?, I am human being and I do something that I don't want to do but make myself feel like...um.. "it was right thing to do".
Torture? Maybe.

There is the person that I really don't want to care ( doesn't it sound horrible?) , but I do care somehow, I wish I can just delete. Can I?

If I ain't got you

2008-10-14T21:33:00.001-07:00

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you babyIf I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you babyIf I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

I don't know what it is

2008-10-13T20:43:00.001-07:00

I guess I am way too tired. I cannot even imagine how tired I am. It is so wierd.
I know most of my friends think I am very americanized , but I believe in eastern mediscine.
Is this surprise for you?

I think Body and soul are really connected and I mean, of course you catch a cold, maybe because of luck of Vitamin or something like that.

But when something little, such as a cold or headache or etc..., happened to you, and maybe you were stressed out or your worried about something, it takes more time to heal because your soul got a little bit down.
That is what I think. I try not to take pills.
When I get fever, I should get fever to take something bad out from my body.

But this time, I don't know what it is. Basically it is stress plus anxiety PLUS disappointment or sadness? and my body cannot take it anymore, and it is screaming but I don't know what to do.

Meditation, Yoga, Practising Breathing, exercising, eating healthy, taking bath, Massages, you name it. I tried everything. EVERYTHING. However, when I get advice from others, it is my soul. Deep down inside I have something really care about and it is breaking. huh?

HOW CAN I STOP THINKING ABOUT IT?

I cannot help wonder how people do that.

Sweet thing

2008-10-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

It is so weird, because now I am so calm. I just needed to talk to him. I guess. My "Girlfriend".
Some times I really miss him and need to talk to him. He usually doesn't pick up my calls but it was good half an hour talking with him tonight.

I still wondered why he moved to Oregon.
Any ways.

The shape of happiness

2008-08-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Happiness
What is it? When you are happy , do you feel you are happy? When you are unhappy, you feel you are unhappy.

So when you don't feel unhappy, you might be happy. Happiness. what is it?
Occuring events? The shape of happiness, will I ever see it?

Indefinable.

It is just the matter of you, and the way you think.

I just cannot help wondered if I am happy now.

My Bangs

2008-08-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Yo, Akiko.
Your bangs is really short.

I realized it but ignored. I should not be going out at all!

Eastern and Western Medicine

2008-08-11T21:21:00.001-07:00

I think combinaton of eastern and western will work for my body. Last 4 years, my body was taken care by Western medicine.

I guess my body really needed eastern treatment this time.
And it was really interesting. My soul is really tired and deeply sad. And they can tell from my face.

I really believe the good soul can keep good phsycal condition. I cried for the pain. I haven't cried for pain for a long time but my tears were just coming down endlessly. But I think it wasn't just phsycal pain that I cried for, but also my soul pain.

It was good cry though. Finally I just found the space and person who tell me it is okay to cry.

difficult, difficult. difficult

2008-08-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

I just red through my blogs. All I wrote about is.

"Everything is hard"
"Everything is difficult"

I guess, everything is hard for me now then. And I guess it is almost like out of reach.

I am a tough cookie but this time, it is BIG time, I am weak.

I am sorry for being like this but I cannot be cool all the time. You know. Once a while , I cry for boys and get really weak to become stronger.

It is going to be boring Blog for a while for sure.

Black and White again

2008-08-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

Again, everything looks black and white. Everything has lost their colors. All I feel is just pain.

I actually didn't appreciate him well enough. That is how I feel now. I actually really liked him. It was different and I was pretty comfortable with him. I could be all kinds of me in front of him. But now I lost him. It hurts.

My pain comes out from my eyes endlessly. And I cannot help wonder if I did right thing or not. Answer is Yes. I know.It was good for both of us.

But it is just so hard to end like this. I am glad that I fell for him though.

Well it is just Zero now , all I can do is start over.

Do I pick wrong guy?

2008-07-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

According to my boss, I pick wrong guy.

Do I?
Let's think about my relationships between guys... Relationships? Not many.a couple of them weren't so great. I had this guy for a short time. I really liked him and I think I still like him in a way. But he doesn't know.

I had terrible time with men, so many times. I would think all my tears came out from my eyes. Surprisingly, there is still my tears.... Do I have some kind of tank or storage behind my eyes?

Seeking for the person who let me be myself and can make me feel better about myself is too greedy? I thought, it was basic staff for any kind of relationships.
I unfortunately am sad right now. My heart is breaking AGAIN.
I guess I should stop /or avoid these situation.

I am so alone. I don't see my friends any more. Everyone is busy for their lives, of course, but just everyone just started to have family, and I feel like I am alone. Less friends / chance to hang out or limited time.
I am not blaming, I actualloy envy them. Although I am so not ready to have family. I just want to find the one that I can really talk to.

I missed my stop

2008-07-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

I tend to think to hard these days. Today, I missed my stop twice.

I was aware just a second ago, and I thought about something seriously , then missed it.
Man!

I think many things are really difficult for me for now. I am not stressed out or anything, but just so many things are hard.

Mostly, I am worried about my next destination for my life. This is my first time, that I don't know which way to go. Never happened to me before. I always knew what I want and what I want to challenge. Right now, everything is challenge and there is no way to make short cut. But it is good thing so either way I pick, it is hard for sure. I just need inspiration.

So I went to Frida exhibition at SF MoMA. I thought it was really good idea, I knew her work and where she's coming from, but it was bad idea, it was depressing. If you know her work or latin culture, you know what I mean right?
I guess I should try Aquarium next time.

It's the same thing all the time

2008-07-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Fighting for something I don't need for. It is always the same thing and cannot avoid.

Am I mentally retarded?
Will I ever learn from my mistakes that I have been making?

How would I know? There is one thing that I discovered that was mistake and I can successfully avoid from the same mistake, but then there is new mistake that I make again. People or time, timimg, conditions are diferrent always.
I just cannot help wonder how people are handling their lives.

am I scared?

2008-07-06T21:20:00.001-07:00

Why do I feel like I am scared to meet new people?

It happened quite often these days.

There are so many chances that I could have had great conversation with new people, but somehow I am acting werid.

What happened to me?

I just miss you

2008-07-05T02:49:00.000-07:00

Just miss you so much.

like my right side is so empty. :(

Transition Point

2008-06-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

I guess that is where I am standing.

Transition point.

So many things are so diffucult for me.
Because I cannot think things like before or I realized things I believed in was something different.
And there is Friends, Family and lover. So many people and I am alone. How could I possibly feel lonely like this?

Am I depressed? I don't think so. Most of the time, I am just working and day dreaming but once in a while IT comes to me and gets me.

I am so scared of IT.

What a F***!

2008-06-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

I know you are mad, because I woke you up really early in the morning.

I am so sorry for that.
But hey, I cannot get out from the house. Because Door is not opening!

I know it is bad that I am talking behind you like this. but don't worry, I will talk to you in person, too.

He:"What's wrong?"
Me: "I cannot open the door"
He:" Yeah, it's stuck. You should not close the door all the way"
Me (Not saying):"well you are the one who did it"
He:"You know, this door is not completely done. so you should not close it all the way, you know "
Me (Not saying): " WELL, if you knew, why did you do that then? Why you are telling me as if it was my fault? you knew, you did, therefore you have to wake up and open it for me"

I was so pissed off.

Finally Door opened. first thing he did was using bathroom?

How come? How can you do this to me?
I am already late to take a shower because of stupid door and then now you are not letting me use it?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Help!I am so mad.

It's Wednesday, I am mad 6:30 in the morning. what a hell.

You guys are so extreme

2008-06-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

No Coffee in the BART, Green design, Vegan food, etc.....

why it is always has to be that extreme?? Right amount of food, not buying things that you don't need, not doing "buy one get one free" thing.

That can make your life less complicated and simple.

Me being in design field, I might not be a good decorator, I just cannot decorate without having any practicality or function. Sorry. But don't you think it is kind of wasting the materials? Of course you use sustainable materials, but then putting all these for nothing is wasting materials and money. I don't know.

In this country, so many people are worried about their country's future. About War, oil, new president and many more.

I have been reading newspaper recently, I just thought this world is so messed up and make me sick to bottom of my stomach.

But then, can we give up on all these issues?

NO!

Of course not. But I cannot just worry about these issue all by myself at all.
And wondered about the meaning of my life. I don't think I will anything big, but at least I wish I can do something little to the world.

well....

it is not depression

2008-06-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

It was like a lake. Full of water and almost impossible to drink up all that water.

I just realized there is not much water left any more.

When? I mean where did it go?

I miss you. Some times I think about him and get a little sentimental. Like any other girls.

Oh , C'mon Akiko. What am I talking about?

Do I love my Job?

2008-06-04T16:48:00.001-07:00

Yes I still love what I am doing in SAFEWAY Inc.

Isn't that amazing? Well, I am Intern, so I guess things are a little different than the other employees. But you know this is not my first time working in design field or working.

I am still interested in what this is about and meeting new people. Of course, they wouldn't remember me at all, but it is just nice to listen to what they are talking about.

Networking, how I should carry the conversation, how I should approach, etc.. these are the things you will learn from your boss. Luckily, my supervisor is "Manager " , means I meet a lot of people who are dealing with her and /or people whom she is dealing with.

It is just so fun to see how it it and goes.
I really want to work for Corp for future. I just think I am good at it.

I won't be a designer or might be, but I just enjoying being homebody's assistant. Weird. But I do.
Being assistant is more opportunities to see a lot of projects and people.

I think this Internship is really working for me.

Good nutrition

2008-05-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about relationships. That can be any kind of relationships. Friendships, romantic relationship, parents & children, etc...

I am just so tired of having crappy relationship with anybody. I mean, it doesn't mean I am not going to meet new people randomly or anything like that. But I tend to waste my time for wrong people. Therefore I get hurt unnecessary. And the worst thing is, that might be my fault.

1 : people who make me cry
Why? Why do I keep seeing guys who make me cry?? Do I just want to hurt myself more? NO! I should not let these guys to make me feel bad about myself.

2: why don't I do what I want?
Got to stop thinking about what people want me to do.

3: why don't I make myself to be with someone whom I can be myself naturally.
I don't know. Why am I still with people who force me to do something which I don't need to do?

Being with good people. what is the definition of "Good people"?
I guess people who inspire me, can be great competitor, give me opinions in third person's position, can laugh with, can give me great guidance, share things/ thoughts/ emotional issues and etc...

These people are GOOD Nutrition for my soul. I should not forget about that. You know.
I am not young any more. I don't need wide and shallow relationships.

Time to change?

P.S. I love you

2008-05-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

I watched this movie.

Just think my life. or imagine losing someone you really love. Luckily, I haven't lost anyone yet. Well my mom's best friend passed away a couple years ago. It was painful just to see what my mom was going through.

Ad thought about my best friend. When I was in college I was hanging out with my best friend every single day, we fight over a little thing, we can be mean to each other some times, we can be really like sisters. I didn't realize how hard not to have her around me when I started life in here. I regret something that I couldn't show her how much I appreciated her company.
and so on.

I have been making mistakes to be with someone, quite a lot, I mean, about boys, you know.
I've been just trying and see what is important in my life and what I want.

Recently, I kinda see what I want in my life and realized I shouldn't waste my time for something that I really don't want or need.

It is just wasting. And trying to force myself to adjust to someone is not right. never will work out. Just right person will come around and the person will just fit perfectly into my life. yeah yeah I know it sounds like just "wish" but I guess that is what's gonna happen.

hmmm. I am just making my life difficult. What would I do that?

The Flaky people

2008-05-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

The people I hate the most.

Unfortunately, there are so many flaky people in here California.
I thought, I am the only one feels like this.. but it is not only me.

They always say "I will call you", " Oh I am coming!", "I will do...".

OH Liar! You never do! You know what I am going to do? I won't count on you any more. It is just wasting of my time to have relationship with them.
It is better you didn't tell me you would do. If you are not sure, just don't say anything or tell me that you are not sure.

Ah, I hate this.

SAFE WAY

2008-05-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

Today is 3rd day of my internship.

Yes, yes, everyday, I feel like my shoes are biting my toes and some day they will bite off my toes. awww.

Still don't know many things, and my feet are hurt, making so much mistakes, don't understand what they are saying completely, cannot remember people's names...etc....

But I like it.
I do like to work in Corporate working environment. Just so ... nice...

I even love making 100s of copy or sending e-mails and stuff.

I can do this right?

I love...

2008-05-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

I just want to love myself not by being loved by someone.

I want to be loved by loving myself.

It is easy therefore it gets hard to do.

Why is that?

Morning again

2008-05-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

It's just another day.

no title

2008-05-02T08:24:00.001-07:00

Day is still young. Why I am so frustrated?

Getting married?!

2008-05-01T00:21:00.000-07:00

Oh NO! I won't get married for Green Card. It is crazy. It doesn't matter if he has green card or not. When I am in love, I am in love. He could be Japanese, American, Mexican, Brazilian, Swiss, Middle eastern or African.

American citizenship is not attractive part, you know. Did you know that? I appreciate that you are trying to make me stay in USA but I don't wanna do any illegal stuff or fake relationship. Thank you but no thank you.

Everyone seems happy but seems so lonely at the same time. What are you holding? You don't show it to me, but it is okay. I can wait for you. Quietly, slowly, it is coming into you, but hey, I am here for you. can't you see me? I have been waiting for you but you don't even "hey" me back. I guess I just need to be disappeared. I am like a stupid girl who waits for you forever. Sad.

Time to move on.

The coffee that I hate

2008-04-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

What happened to you, Coffee?

You were my favorite thing in the world. There is, well I would say, it WAS my favorite Cafe. They served the best coffee in the city before. But now it taste so weird. Sour! too much things are in the coffee. It is not even clear.

What is going on?

I understand, owner is studying about coffee and trying to make it better, however , Buddy, it tastes horrible. :(

Please do something!

Short Break

2008-04-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

Again, Short break time. I guess I am lucky, because I can take breaks every 3 or 4 months. Sadly it just because I am not independent person. I am aware of that. I feel bad enough about it.

New project. Going to Kentucky! All my friends' reactions are "Why? " Oh well the girl like me needs to see the south east area too. Since I cannot get along with coldness, I tend to go southern area. I wanna taste all kinds of flavor of U.S.A.

New York, Miami, Key, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, LA, Oahu, is that it? I thought I have been to more places. hmmm. I guess I kinda explored within CA.

Definitely, I wanna visit San Diego, Texas, Boston and New York again!!! I don't think I can afford that much traveling but well.. we will see.

Life
Nothing has changed really. Still no boyfriend, no husband, no kids, thank god! hehe. I think education phase has been done for now. I am not thinking going back to School for a while. I think it is time for me to use what I earned from school.
This is the most difficult phase for me in my life. So many things are tough on me. But as a 27-year-old grown person, I have to take them and deal with them even I like That results or not. Things happen for reasons.
I have been feeling lonely again. wherever I am or whomever I am with. It is weird. I think I just need bracket to wrap around me. It is just so cold by myself sometimes.

Hating

2008-04-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

I think hating is wasting your time and energy.

Why you are so mad?

If you can laugh about yourself, life will be much easier.

not really

2008-04-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

I am not really what you think I am.

I am just an ordinary girl. like one of a kind.

I just needed to lean on something for just a little bit.

I will be fine soon, just for now, I just needed to.

Just wondered

2008-04-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

Zip Car is in the BART Station garage?

Isn't that nice?

Using paper coffee cup is not ecological? Why? then using dish soap is ecological?

Sugar free food, are they safe?

just wondered

The New Boy Friend

2008-04-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

Over 2 years of relationship with my boyfriend, I have been thinking about this new guy for a while. I thought about it for 2 months, decided to break up with my old boyfriend.
Our relationship was like his face. BROKEN!

He was really white, slim, shiny with cool black leather jacket and everything, we've been good for 2 years, so far. Since I dropped him on the street, our relationship started to fall apart.

Now he only plays from left side, his face is grey, and I cannot see it at all.

After serious consideration, I decided to be with red hot guy!
He is tiny but powerful enough to entertain and satisfy me.

His name is Shuffle. I love him so much. I missed music so much.

It is so vague

2008-04-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

It is so unclear and I am not sure that I am passing on the right brigde, you know.

So Vague and everything looks the same now.

TH designer

2008-04-06T19:46:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking about being a designer, recently.
What is good designer and bad designer?
Of course, their taste, or sensitivity will be counted.

If you go to the restaurant, you might think the restaurant was horrible design. Is that because dysfunctional design? or just colors and materials? or just because they didn't have one of those cool water features?

I think Bad designer is the person cannot make it work and didn't solve the client's problems or cannot convince clients to put all these cool ideas .

Ideas are killed by bad sales skills. That is why we as a designer need to know how to talk to people in various angles and topics. We have to be aware of what's going on in the world. What will be the next needs for Human life styles.

Need to keep up.

No title

2008-03-31T01:37:00.000-07:00

She's got a ticket to ride,
she's got a ticket to ride,
she's got a ticket to ride,
she don't care!

I guess I am sad

2008-03-28T00:50:00.000-07:00

I tried not to feel it. But I guess I am sad, so deeply.

These days, I am so lost. I don't feel anything. I just appriciate the moment but after that, I'll get lost.

I think"going back to Japan"thing hit my feeling so hard, I didn't even realize.
I guess, this is more correct, try not to realize, huh?

But I've been really lucky that I have been able to meet these nice people in here. I have learned so much about Americans, and myself.

ha.
I am just so lost

The Bystander

2008-03-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

I think there are so many bystander in Japan. Like in my generation?
When I talk to them, they made me think, they don't take their lives as their own.

You know, for a god sake, you gotta be a lead person in your life.

It seems like, they just watch and do minimum things that they have to do to live, and just waiting for nothing.

I don't know why I felt that way, but they just made me think.
Life is tough, fun, harsh, and tough but there is no sweeter things than Life.
It is so unpredictable, that is why it is so fun. Don't you think?
People think over a tiny thing, and change their thoughts or lifestyle.

So why the heck are you just watching it?

Once in a while

2008-03-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am o-kay, most of the time, but I guess right now it seems like nothing is going right, I mean, nothing is happening as I wanted.

It is life, right? I can laugh about my life once in a while.
This is not the end of my life, it is just,"it" is going to far away from me.
And I am really sad. Heart-breaking news is this.
Not sure what I want to do or what I should do.

This is so retarded

2008-03-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

I really cannot understand
why people cannot deliver one thing right in this country?
why people cannot make things as ordered in this country?

Why do I always have to call and make sure that they are doing their job right?

Man!

Happy Birthdy to me!

2008-02-25T22:23:00.001-08:00

First of all , I really want to thank all my friends. Thank you. This is the best , BEST birthday ever!

Thank for being great friend.
I had the best, warm, laid-back birthday.

Thank you again.

Storm?

2008-02-24T15:59:00.000-08:00

Is this horrible storm? Then I need to know what is the definition of Storm.

Anyway, I fell last night. Middle of the walk-way. All by myself. No one saw me fell. I knew it was going to be miserable night. But well the baby made my night just fine, so I think that was fair enough.

I miss the hear beating or beginning of romance type of thing. I haven't be in the situation for a while. But when I am expecting, nothing is going to come to me, so I actually not expecting anything.

March is coming in next week. Time flies.

no title

2008-02-23T00:38:00.000-08:00

It was just like a cloudy day. I have no idea if it rains or not.

I thought it was safe and reliable. But it wasn't. All I think is where/ when it went wrong.

A long long rainy days, I just didn't miss the Sun.
I wonder why.

It looks black, black water? No.
It is deep, that's it. Water is clear just like yesterday.

It makes me feel so stupid, you know what the surprising thing is I did it. Thank you so much for the lesson. I learned it hard way. I didn't need to though.

I am not excited yet...

2008-02-18T14:03:00.001-08:00

Yes, I am counting days to my birthday. I am not excited. Right?
I am just excited aout meeting all my good friends and having dinner part. Just the perfect reason to go nice restaurant.

Hmmm.

One more week

Whining!

2008-02-14T23:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have been whining. Stop that , akiko!

this is so weird

2008-02-11T22:34:00.001-08:00

I might want to be in love?

I love USA , right?

2008-02-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

Sometime, I feel tired. I mean, tired to be here. So many things to do, so many bull sh** to take care of. Yes, I am talking about VISAs.

Only my will can pursuit my dream. I really think so, If I start to feel"whatever", then I guess I am going to go home. My journey will be over.

But forgive me, once in a while, my nagative thoughts hit me to the bottom of depression. Then, I feel like, "I don't want to worry about things any more, or If I go back, my life will be easier" or something like that. That is so stupid.

I wish I were stronger.

Life is always like this

2008-02-06T22:45:00.001-08:00

When I need somebody, no one is available.

Yes, life is always like this.

Hmmmm

2008-02-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know why she told me this. "You have to protect yourself. You should not hang out with someone who makes you feel miserable." Oh okay...Ah..... I kinda get that like 3 months ago. Why now? Why is she telling me this now? I have no idea.
She is usually, doesn't care about me at all. She doesn't smile at me. She never talks to me , especially privately. But this time, why?

I just wonder why.

According to everyone, I guess I am doing wrong all the time.huh! What a stupid girl!

I am sick of hearing abour myself from someone.

Ah.... What?

2008-02-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

I was told that I am too nice? AM I? I think I am normal. According to my friends, I guess I am.
But How can I stop being myself? not smiling, and small talk, that is what I do. I am so sorry. I tried not to smile at strangers, but if someone asks"How are ya?"then I answer. Don't you think that is the manner?
Any way, I meet so many weirdos. And From what My friends saying, I guess that is my fault. Because , I said "hi" to them, or I said "have a good day" to them. Because I hug them.
OK, I am naturally touchy person and open to anybody til certain level. Please do not think that I like you or I feel special about you or something. Sorry but I don't know you. You think you know me, who the hell are you? You don't know me. I don't tell everything to everyone. I think I only have maybe 3 or 4 true friends. Most of the time, even boyfriends don't know about me.
So please do not misunderstand me. I am so tired acting like somebody else. I will be myself again. And I warn you once, after that you stil misunderstand me, please do whatever but All I am going to say is "I told you so"

ah.... this is retarded.

I have been in love

2008-01-31T19:04:00.000-08:00

It will break my heart, if I have to say-good bye.

I have been in love with san francisco for 13 years.

What am I going to do?